Open Letter

Letter from Zaira (aka mommy) that hit close to home and was very comforting:

mommy hasn't talked to you in a really really long time!

i just saw your blog and it's your last full day! i hope you enjoy it A LOT and i want to talk to you soon!
probably once you're back on north american soil - even canadian soil!

be strong littlest one (who has grown up the most) and know that whatever needs to happen in your life, will. and whatever you need to make happen in your life, you will!

ps i love you

Thanks mommy. Love you too.

art that imitates life, or life that imitates art?

"Bruised" - Jack's Mannequin

I've got my things, I'm good to go
You met me at the terminal
Just one more plane ride and it's done

We stood like statues at the gate
Vacation's come and gone too late
There's so much sun where I'm from
I had to give it away, had to give you away

And we spent four days on an
Island at your family's old hotel
Sometimes perfection can be
It can be perfect hell, perfect...

Hours pass, and she still counts the minutes
That I am not there, I swear I didn't mean
For it to feel like this
Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised
And don't fly fast. Oh, pilot can you help me?
Can you make this last? This plane is all I got
So keep it steady, now
Cause every inch you see is bruised

I lace my Chucks, I walk the aisle
I take my pills, the babies cry
All I hear is what's playing through
The in-flight radio
Now every word of every song
I ever heard that made me wanna stay
Is what's playing through
The in-flight radio, and I
And I am, finally waking up

Hours pass, and she still counts the minutes
That I am not there, I swear I didn't mean
For it to feel like this
Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised
Don't fly fast. Oh, pilot can you help me?
Can you make this last? This plane is all I got
So keep it steady, now
Cause every inch you see is bruised

So read your books, but stay out late
Some nights, some nights, and don't think
That you can't stop by the bar
You haven't shown your face here since the bad news
Well I'm here till close, with fingers crossed
Each night cause your place isn't far

And hours pass, and hours pass...

Yeah, yeah, she still counts the minutes
That I am not there, I swear I didn't mean
For it to feel like this
Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised
And don't fly fast. Oh, pilot can you help me?
Can you make this last? This plane is all I got
So keep it steady, now
Cause every inch you see is bruised, bruised, bruised

every inch of me is bruised...

I'm back on Canadian soil. And it feels weirder than I ever thought possible. How can someplace so familiar, a place I've grown up in and spent my whole life in, be so foreign and so different. I've realize now that Sydney had become my home and I now feel homesick for it. Already. It's been about 24 hours since I landed and I've already had to Skype my new/old home twice.

The scene at the airport was quite dramatic, ripped right from a movie. Many tears were involved  and all during the flight as well. And I didn't cry at all when I left home nor were tears shed while saying goodbye to my Sydney family. However, at Kingsford Smith I just couldn't hold it in any longer (OK I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry pretty much from the moment I woke up as well).

And the jetlag. Don't get me started on the jetlag. I'm exhausted all the time but I cannot fall asleep. I am hungry all the time and can't stop eating. The Canadian weather has also decided to jolt me right back into it and it has been snowing all day. I almost forgot about snow. I also forgot the distinct smell of winter. It's been over a year since I've smelt the bitter mix of cold and snow.

Luckily, my family makes me happy. When I am with them I almost forget about how much I miss Sydney. I am also going to see one of my oldest friends tonight who has recently moved to Vancouver. All good things. Let's hope the pain and feeling of loss subsides with time...

...if my body was on fire, you'd watch me burn down in flames...

AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! One more full day left in Sydney. Craziness. It is 12:30am and I can't sleep, probably stressing out thinking about what is happening. It didn't really hit me until my last goodbye dinner tonight that I wouldn't be seeing these people--my friends--for an indefinite amount of time. 

[p.s. went to an awesome African restaurant called Radio Cairo for dinner with the best food ever. All the dishes were amazing topped off with the most interesting and yummiest dessert of African Mint Ice Cream. I am so full I don't think I need to eat until next week! I definitely recommend this spot to eat on the north shore.]

My coping mechanisms so far have consisted of getting into stupid fights (in order to make myself feel better about leaving and the person closest to me as miserable as I am), pretending that its just a quick trip home and making grand plans once I get there. Only the last one has proven somewhat productive.

Plans for my last day include a beach outing, centre point tower (which I have surprisingly never done) and quality time with the bf. For now, I will try and watch everything on my foxtel that I've recorded to watch "later" (including this random 90's movie with Mark-Paul Gosselaar--yum!) and google how to adjust to coming home after being away. Hopefully I'll be able to fall asleep soon...

it's a beautiful night, we're looking for something dumb to do...

One week left. Eeeek. At least the crying has stopped (for now).

Been packing half a bag per day and then getting sick of it, but as I only have 2 bags, that's 4 days of packing (one already down). Last weekend will be filled with sightseeing with the bf's family who is in town. Couldn't think of a better way to go. 

I didn't really want to do anything for my goodbye, especially throw a party celebrating it. But I do want to see everyone and spend some quality time, so some low-key goodbye dinners are up next week. Let's see how well I can hold it together! Here we go...

sunday morning rain is falling...

I have officially booked my ticket outta here. I leave February 25th at 4:30pm and will be back on Canadian soil the same day at 3:30pm (woo hoo I gain an hour --  doesn't make up for the whole day I lost on my way over). Even though the date hasn't changed, even though I have been planning on leaving on the same date the whole time, something about booking a plane ticket makes it real. That date is daunting, looming over me like a Sunday afternoon and now everything I do in Sydney is drenched with that same feeling. Everywhere I go, everyone I see is my Sunday afternoon. I try to memorize them and etch them into my memory so I can take them all with me on my travels back home. I treat everything as if its the last time I will be seeing, touching and feeling it though I hope it won't be the last.

On a positive note, I had the most perfect Valentine's day anyone could ever have. I got to go up to North Head with the most beautiful views of the water and the whole city

[SIDENOTE: To be honest, we thought we would avoid the masses and instead of going out for the usual dinner, we decided to have a picnic somewhere beautiful. Due to the rain, the picnic took place in a van with the door open--still pretty romantic. When we got up to North Head, thinking we were all cool and original and better than all the other couples at the same old boring dinner, we found all the carparks full of couples who thought the exact same thing. It was pretty funny and just added to the atmosphere! Still awesome but we just weren't as romantic as we thought we were!]

I realized how much I will miss little things like living so close to the ocean and the view outside my own window. But I won't take it forgranted in the short time that I have left. I hope everyone had a great V-day! :)

Complications...

There are some things I would never take back but admittedly, my life would be a whole lot easier right now if they didn't exist. For example, the amazing friends I've made here in Sydney. Many I met the first week through other friends and many I slowly developed friendships with during uni. It took a whole semester but afterwards, I found my group of new BFF's that I made all on my own. A nice mix of Australians, Americans, a Canadian and even a Dutchie thrown in for good measure. These are the people that became my family when I didn't have one close by. All these people I let into my tightly knit circle are now a part of me that I can't bear to let go and say goodbye to, even though I know we'll be lifelong mates.

Not to mention the biggest complication of all: the boyfriend. Considering we haven't been apart since last year for more than a week at a time (and that was before we were dating) this makes things a lot more complicated. If we never met, never hooked up, never fell for each other, I imagine that though leaving would be hard, it wouldn't break me. After all, I know my friends will visit and I will visit them time to time and we'll keep in touch through skype and stalk each other through Facebook which will get me through the time between visits. But Skype and Facebook are certainly not enough to get me through who-knows-how-long without seeing him. It breaks my heart already and I haven't even booked the plane ticket yet (besides, I always said I was too insecure to be in a long distance relationship haha). 

So though I do sometimes imagine a less complicated world where I didn't find amazing friends and an amazing relationship where leaving would be no big deal and I would actually look forward to going home to my old life and my old friends, I wouldn't take back this mind blowing year filled with the sweetest memories anyone could ever have for anything in the world.

The End Where I Begin

So most blogs start out by documenting the beginning or inception of a special journey or new direction in one's life. Mine will begin at the end of the most thrilling, frightening, exhilarating, satisfying, daunting and wonderful year of my life. The year I up and decided to move half way around the world from Toronto, Canada to Sydney, Australia after never being away from home more than a month in my entire 23 years. 

The past year has been one of many firsts; first goodbye, first apartment, first love, first masters degree, first time living with a boy, etc. etc. It has been a year filled with ups and downs and curve balls thrown at me in every direction. And though I doubted myself, I have come to adore Sydney and living on my own and am quite sad to leave. I will be kicked out of the country, on account of my student visa running out, in a few short weeks and leaving my new Sydney family behind to go back to my old life which I left exactly 382 days ago.

I am both terrified and excited by this move. It is bittersweet as I have come to love my life in Sydney and am depressed just thinking about all the beautiful people I've met--my new family--that I must now leave behind. At the same time I have not seen my family and most of my friends in so long, I am busting to be with them again. It is an odd feeling, much like the one I had when first arriving to Australia. Sad to leave, scared of the future, but so ready and excited to do something new. Another similarity from when I came to now that I'm leaving is the unknown. I had no idea what Sydney would be like, how long I wanted to stay and what would happen. And now I have no idea what being at home will feel like and if I will stay or come back to Sydney. Somehow though, I have always been at peace with not knowing, and if it turns out anything like last year did, then bring it on!